A budget is a means of worrying before we spend, as well as afterwards.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.

If No. 2 pencils are the most popular, are they still No. 2?

A computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A diet is a collection of food that makes other people lose weight.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

A penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny spent is a penny enjoyed.

Why do we press harder on the buttons on the remote control, when the battery in the remote control is dead?

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Follow your dreams! (Except the one where you're naked at work).

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Two can live as cheaply as one. (for half as long!)

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Money isn't everything. (But it sure keeps the kids in touch).

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (We find that one works particularly well when dealing with the Inland Revenue, HM Customs, banks etc etc).

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. (It's also not great when dealing with the above).

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is?

The early bird gets the worm. (But the second mouse gets the cheese!)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite critisism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word lisp?

If a man stands in the middle of a forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Forgive and forget. (But keep a list of names, just in case).

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it!

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

Two wrongs do not make a right. (But three lefts do!)

Smokers are just like everybody else. (Just not as long).

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definately isn't for you.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Some people have a way with words. Other people not have way.

Always remember you're unique. (Just like everybody else).

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Karaoke is Japanese for 'tone deaf'.

3 out of 4 people in the UK make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! (Or is it?)

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary?

Never go to bed angry. (Stay awake and plot your revenge).

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired!

It's not who you know! (It's whom you know).

There is no 'I' in team. (There are, however, four in 'Platitude Quoting Idiot')

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Red meat is not bad for you. (Fuzzy green meat is bad for you).

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Half the people in the world are below average!

Atheism is a non prophet organisation.

Time is a great healer. (But a lousy beautician).

If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Change is inevitable. (Apart from vending machines).

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it just me, or is it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Hard work never killed anyone. (But why risk it?)

Jesus loves you! (It's everyone else thinks you're an idiot).

A concience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Plain English Campaign: Don't use a big word when a diminutive alternative will suffice.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

"If the shoe fits, buy it" - Imelda Marcos.

Bureacrats cut red tape. (Lengthwise).

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. er.. thingy.

If you want your spouse to listen, and pay strict attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.

If you understand how something works today, it must be obsolete.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If you lend someone £20, and you never see them again, it was probably worth it.

If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're speaking directly to them.

If you can't say something nice, become a reporter.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

Fools rush in. (and get all the best seats).

Alcohol preserves everything (except dignity).

A jury consists of 12 people, chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody has.

A camel is a horse, designed by a committee.

A bargain is something you don't need, at a price you can't resist.

A banker is someone who lends you an umberella when the sun is shining, and takes it back when it starts to rain.

Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Others kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

7/5 of all people do not understand fractions.

668: The neighbour of the beast.

Flattery is telling others exactly what they think of themselves.

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax inspectors, and miss.

A signature can reveal much about a person's character, and, sometimes, even their name.

Anyone who thinks they are too small to make a difference has obviously never been in bed with a mosquito.

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been ill, and unable to clean.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Algebra was easy for the Romans, because 'X' was always 10.

Remember! Honesty is the best policy. So. Let's call that option (a)....

If you can keep your head, while all around are losing theirs, and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation.

Lawyer (n): Larval stage of politician.

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when you'll find a nut.

Make crime pay; become a lawyer.

Make it idiot proof, and someone will invent a better idiot.

Materialism is buying things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people who don't matter.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Need some time alone? Try doing the washing up.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Often a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

One of life's great mysteries is how a 2lb box of chocolates can make us gain 5lbs.

Why is it that we leave cars costing thousands of pounds on the drive, and store useless things and boxes full of junk in the garage?

Opportunity is missed by most people, because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work.

Our toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on bread. It has two settings; too soon, or too late.

People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do.

People will believe pretty much anything that is whispered to another.

Politics: Poly (many) + ticks (bloodsucking parasites).

The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

The glass is not half empty. It's just twice as big as it needs to be.

The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

There are 10 types of people in the country; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

The trouble is, by the time you have money to burn, the fire has gone out.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

When in doubt.......mumble.

When I was a child, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain).

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

Losing a spouse can be hard. (In my case, it was nigh on impossible!!)

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Artificial inteligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. (Not screaming and terrified, like his passengers).

It takes a LOT of balls to play golf the way I do!

I'm now working on my second million. (I gave up on the first.....)

The truth is out there! (Anyone know the URL?)

Power corrupts. Absolute power........is pretty cool though.

A conscience doesn't prevent sin. It simply prevents us from enjoying it.

Think you're confused now? Wait till I explain it.

Part of this line is umop apisdn.

Part of this line is invis

So easy to use, a child can do it. (Child sold separately).

The computer revolution is over. (They won).

The four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and chocolate.

Take my advice. (I don't use it anyway).

Talk is cheap, because supply is greater than demand.

Happiness can't buy money.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us that do!

A fool and his money are..... Hey! Where's my wallet?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I bought some batteries today, but they weren't included.

Press any key to continue, or any other key to abort.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Why drive yourself crazy, when it's such a short walk?

If it walks out of your refridgerator.... LET IT GO!!!

What is "scratch", and why can everything be made from it?

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Ambidextrose: The ability to put sugar in your coffee with either hand.

Get the facts first. - We can distort them later.

Fer sail, cheep spel chekker, wurks grate.

The family that sticks together..... should probably bathe more often.

Thisspacebardoesn'tsappeartobeworkingproperly.

My wife says I never listen. (Or something like that...).

Telling teenagers the facts of life is a bit like bathing a fish.

You've got to hand it to the Inland Revenue... (If you don't they'll come and take it!)

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Shin (n) - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Keyboard not found, Press F1 to continue.

The best way to save face is not to move the bottom half of it.

No life is completely wasted. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others,

The future's not what it used to be.

All the world's a stage. (And I think I have stage fright).

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

Imortality is my short term goal.

Is infinity odd or even?

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

Math problem? Call 0800 [(10x) (13i) y] - [sin (xy) / 2.362x]

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to see it.

Always proof read properly to make sure you don't any words out.

Nappies and politicians should be changed regularly. (Usually for the same reason).

Don't hate yourself in the morning. (Sleep in till midday).

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Nothing is as embarrasing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

I stayed up all night, playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died!

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If two wrongs don't make a right, why not try three?

What should you do, if you spill carpet cleaner?

Dyslexics of the World. Untie.

I never used to finish anything, but now I.

Hello. You're through to the Incontinence Helpline. Can you hold please?

Someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen, saying; "Parking Fine", so that was nice.

Apparently, 1 in every 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me, and I'm pretty sure it's not my mum or dad. Perhaps it's my older brother Colin. It might be my younger brother Ho-Chow-Min, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

The meek shall inherit the earth. (if that's ok with you guys).

Someone who knows how will always have a job, working for someone who knows why.

Circular definition:  See definition, circular.

My doctor has told me I need to cut out the intimate meals for two. (Well, unless there's someone else there with me).

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy, without being good at them.

I'll never forget the first time I had sex, cos I kept the receipt.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

If we're supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Worrying works! 90% of what I worry about never happens.

Hospitality: Making visitors feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Ladies. If wrinkle cream really works, how come you still have finger prints?

Our local shopping centre is rubbish. It's so overcrowded, no one goes there any more.

Modern technology is great. Where would we be without sat nav?

I think it goes without saying...

They say; revenge is best served cold. Apparently, revenge is also sweet. So I guess that means; revenge is ice cream.

When my doctor told me I had heart disease, I took it with a pinch of salt.

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright, until you hear them speak.

I'd love to agree with you, but, then, we'd both be wrong!

Some people are like slinkies..... Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others. whenever they go.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I should have known it wasn't going to work out between my ex wife and I.... I'm a Taurus, and she's a bitch!

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.

At age   4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is...having friends.

At age 17, success is...having a driving licence.

At age 35, success is...having money.

At age 50, success is...having money.

At age 70, success is...having a driving licence.

At age 75, success is...having friends.

At age 80, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Still here? OK. Now you're scaring us.

If the Thoughts for the day aren't enough, then we have a few 'educational' videos here that might just fill the gap until home time.

Enjoy.

All accountants are boring! (Aren't they?)

Many are, but many more of us are working under cover, living double lives.

This film exposes the true nature of the accountant's work.

Based on real events, 'Arnold Schwarzeneger' is.......The Accountant.

Even those of us who don't already lead a double life will be looking for the extra kicks and excitement that every accountant craves, the kind of excitement that comes from......oh.....I don't know......for the sake of argument......lion taming for example.

Here are a few more videos, looking at the accountant from a slightly different perspective.

Welcome to our world!

Street Accountants

In the cut and thrust of the modern accountancy profession, it's easy to go off the rails. Beware the street accountant.

Ninja Accountant

Back to that secret double life of the average accountant! 

Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Accountant

Taken from the David Letterman show. These are just some of the many perks of the job!

Who's Line Is It Anyway? Greatest Hits of Accounting

As accountants, we all like to unwind when we can. These are some of the classics we love to listen to.  

The Chartered Accountant's Dance

Oh yes. We don't just love our music. Take a look at the way we can move!!!

The Two Ronnies Boring Accountant Sketch

Where would we be without a good old fashioned stereotype?

The Front Fell Off

Talking of stereotypes, it would appear politicians are the same from all over the World.

For the increasing number of us working from home, this one might just raise a smug smile:

Maybe you will decide that self employment isn't for you. If not, you could always look at a modern Apprenticeship!

(WARNING: This one does have a bit of adult content)